Tiger Woods - The Fire Hydrant

Sometimes it is great to be Tiger Woods; sometimes it just stinks! The lead story on ESPN SportsCenter and sports talk radio this Thanksgiving holiday weekend was Tiger's car accident. By this time, everyone knows the basic storyline. Page 6 of The New York Daily News and the National Enquirer posted stories about an affair between Tiger and Rachel Uchitel, the VIP manager of a New York night club. Tiger backs his Cadillac SUV out of his driveway at 2:30 a.m. Friday morning and hits a fire hydrant right next to the driveway and careens into a tree on his neighbor's property. His wife, Elin, rushes out of the house with a golf club (ironic!) and breaks the back window of the car and drags him out of the car where he is found with a bloody lip slipping in and out of consciousness when the police and ambulance arrive. Allegedly, alcohol was not a factor in the accident.

All of the other bloggers are wondering what he was doing leaving the house at 2:30 in the morning, assuming he was not heading over to Isleworth Country Club (this link takes a long time to load) to hit a bucket of balls. The conspiracy theorists are questioning whether his wife scratched him or hit him in the face and then chased him out of the house with a golf club because the injuries are not consistent with a fender bender accident. Bloggers are questioning why it took almost twelve hours for the police to report the accident and why the 911 call still has not been released. Where were the private security guards? None of the inner circle is talking.

I have a different spin on the "accident".

First of all, I am not putting any credence in the affair story! Check out Elin Nordegren Woods and Rachel Uchitel and you tell me whether Tiger would risk his marriage, his perfect image and some of his millions for Rachel Uchitel!

Second, what happened to the OnStar system in Tiger's Cadillac SUV? Did Tiger choose not to renew his annual subscription after Buick and Tiger "amicably terminated their sponsorship relationship". Or is there an On-Star recording? Operator: "Mr. Woods, are you OK? Do I need to call for an ambulance? Tiger Woods: Call the cops, my wife is trying to kill me with a golf club!"

Third, I know that General Motors and Buick no longer sponsor Tiger, but this is a great opportunity for the other SUV manufacturers to spoof General Motors and Cadillac. The commercial could open with the camera panning to a Tiger Woods look-a-like running out of his mansion to his Cadillac SUV with a gorgeous blonde chasing him with a golf club. He backs out of his driveway at 5 miles per hour and hits a fire hydrant, the air bag does not deploy, the On-Star system does not work, the fire hydrant starts shooting water like Old Faithful and the rear fender falls off of the SUV. The commercial ends with a voice over: "Cadillac Escalade - Solid, Dependable, Built to Last ... Like Tiger's Driver."

Fourth, did you see the location and color of the fire hydrant! That fire hydrant is awfully close to the driveway. I am surprised no one hit it previously. Also, what happened to the standard-issue yellow fire hydrant? That teal and silver thing is awfully gaudy. You would think in a gated community with multi-million dollar homes the fire hydrant would be less obtrusive (You may not believe this but there is an entire website dedicated to fire hydrants, firehydrants.org, and it includes a collectors' club and an e-mail list that you can join!).

Finally, the Chevron World Challenge at Sherwood Country Club in Los Angeles begins this week. Tiger is the tournament host and there are only 18 golfers. The tournament benefits the Tiger Woods Foundation and its Tiger Woods Learning Center youth education facility. I wonder whether Tiger is going to play in the tournament and deal with the media or skip the tournament and hope that the "fire hydrant incident" calms down by the time he returns to the PGA Tour in February 2010?